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Urgh…

I despise myself. Utterly. Very much so.

Will reiterate into more discernible words later.

And I need to make my own layout…

I just don’t know anymore…

I feel confused with what to do… and very insecure.

Ever since the second half of my Fall quarter up until the present time, I have never felt so unsure in my whole entire life. Walking home, after getting off the metro bus, is no longer an event that I look forward to. Every time I pass by a certain apartment complex, there is always this man (probably twice my age and then some) who persistently keeps telling me that he is going to take me out to lunch/breakfast sometime.

Now, let me travel back in time and tell how I got into this situation:
I started riding the bus to school everyday back in November. The persistent man I was talking about is a “regular” at that that bus route/time. After a few times of going to that same bus time, he started talking to me and it was really hard evading him.

He would say things like, “Hey, since you’re going to be a regular bus rider, we should get to know each other…” or “You’re a regular [bus rider] now, so I’m going to take you out sometime…”

No matter how I try to evade, whether I wear headphones, pretend to call on the phone, or plainly ignore him, he is still persistent. I try to not talk to him, but sometimes there are situations where I have no choice but to say something.

Since then, I’ve been going to a different bus route. When I started my Winter quarter, every time I pass by a certain complex on the way home from school (I walk the rest of the way back home), he happens to peek out his balcony the exact moment I happen to pass by. Again, the persistent questions is directed my way, and with the excuse of the cars passing by in the background, I feign deaf in order for that man to leave me alone.

Yesterday, something completely different happened. This time, when he walked out his balcony, he began asking me how far I lived and if I needed a ride. I continued my trek to my house with the feeling of unease in my gut. My hands grew slippery, my heart began to hammer against the confines of my ribs… I felt cold, breathless. I broke out into a sprint - I was only a two minute walk away to my safety zone, my home - and I made a turn towards a path that was concealed by passing cars. Despite this detour, somehow, his van ended up following me.

I was almost home, only a minute away, but he ended up following my trail. Rolling down his window, he began asking me pressing questions:

“Do you need a ride?”

“No thanks.”

“How far do you live, anyway?”

“Just somewhere there.” I point to a vague point as far away from my house as possible.

“I’ll take you out sometime, do you have a number I could reach you at?”

“No.”

“Anyway, what’s your name?”

Terrified beyond belief and losing all common sense, I gave him a fictitious name and walked away, opposite from the direction of my house, but an area that was full of watchful eyes. Without looking over my shoulder, I knew when he drove away. A peek over my shoulder added an extra layer of reassurance, so I continued my way home.

The moment I arrived home, I collapsed on my bed, once again feeling that horrible sense of terror crawling into my system.

Never had I ever felt so unsafe and unsure in my life.

He hasn’t really done anything worth mentioning to the police…

What do I do?

What do I do…?

Mooching the school…again…

Here I am lazing around on campus….mooching on the wireless internet. XD

Right now:

I should be studying for my psychology exam (which is tomorrow).
I should be finishing up my Bio lab.
I should be revising my Descriptive Paper for Writing.
I should be eating my lunch.

Instead, I am doing the following:

Reading a manga, which I shouldn’t be doing.
Randomly browsing YesAsia, which I shouldn’t be doing.
Blogging, , which I shouldn’t be doing.
And doodling, something I shouldn’t be doing.

Other than that, I shall talk sushi.

Mmmmm…sushi. Saturday….was heaven. Pure bliss. I don’t even have the right words to describe that glorious Saturday evening. From what I remember, I sure went crazy with my camera.

I feel myself salivating…